My Greatest Fear


My Greatest Fear

By Christine Diamond


I open my eyes, small slits 

The bright world screams

I just want to sleep away the pain


I look at the time on my phone

I’m late

The day has started one pace behind.


Thoughts of hopelessness flood in 

I drown with worry and dread

“You have so much to do, you’ll never be able to get to it.”

“It’s a worthless fight to keep trying.”

“They’ll fire you, why even show up?”


With that last thought burning into the back of my brain,

 I turn over and hit

Snooze…

I sleep for a few more hours


The sunlight streaming in the grimey window makes me sweat

I’m not comfortable here in bed anymore

I roll over onto the floor, slightly moist sheets trail after


On the floor I smell the synthetic fringed tan carpet,

pressed up against my squashed nose.

I thought I had an appetite, but no. I lost it.

I don’t want to do anything but lie here.


It happens again...I start to think too many thoughts

I list off what’s wrong in my life, 

what’s wrong with me, 

and what’s wrong with the world.


I have no control over anything.

“My boss doesn’t understand me and keeps picking at my mistakes, never acknowledging when I do anything right.”

“Our financial situation is on the brink of disaster, one missed payment and we could lose it all.”

“My husband doesn’t need me, he doesn’t want me, he will be better off with the other woman he’s been talking to.”

“I can never say anything right to my sister in law, she thinks I’m passive aggressive. Why do I bother to have a relationship with her?”

“I don’t have enough mental or emotional energy for my baby. I am a horrible mother. She deserves so much more.”

“I’m so burdened by all that I NEED to do, that the joy of life is being sucked from me.”

“I don’t have time to do anything I love anymore”


I look at my fingernails,

there’s a hangnail on the side of my left hand ring finger. 

It hurts, and I am acutely aware of the current moment. 

I just want to stay here. 


Then I panic! I don’t want to lose it all. 

What if my inaction means that I lose everything dear to me? 

What if I lose my job, 

then I lose my husband, 

then I lose my extended family, 

then I lose my baby, 

then I lose my mind? 


I push myself up off the floor

With groggy drooping eyes, and a sticky mouth I move toward the bathroom

Looking in the mirror I see someone I don’t recognize. 

A haggard woman who lost her hope.

After all this I have nothing left inside me.

I never knew until today, that this version of me was my greatest fear.


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