She Doesn't Know It Yet

She Doesn’t Know It Yet

By Christine Diamond

Avery looks up at me with big milk chocolate eyes and asks if she can have a cookie.

“Um yes, my girl, of course you can. You should have everything you want in life.” I pat the side of her juicy plump cheek and smile. 

She’s only 6 years old and has the world at her fingertips. She’s looking at her wide smile in her purple plastic makeup mirror. Now the chocolate from the cookie is being spread around like lipstick. She winks at herself and giggles. “Look, I have a cookie kiss!” 

The cookie kiss makes me think of my husband and how we playfully kiss. Well, I am with child again, preggers, pregnant. I’ve got a ‘bun in the oven’. The floodgates of mixed up knotted emotions flow out of me at random. I cannot control anything, not even myself. My body is squished from the inside. My emotions are rocked back and forth. It’s not soothing.

As I witness Avery carefully place a twinkling jeweled tiara to the top of her long straight brown hair, I remember how difficult it was to get pregnant the first time. I was told that my body didn’t have what it took to hold a baby inside. I was resilient and stubbornly determined to prove that I could do anything I wanted. No wonder I have the daughter I do today. She’s determined to get that crown to stay on even though the silver plastic frame has snapped in two. She turns to me with a puckered lower lip, and holding back a whimper asks me, “Mommy can you fix it?”

She will have to face some of the same challenges I did. I want to tell my dear child in advance so she is warned, but at the same time I don’t want to tamper with her innocence. ‘Lesson 1: The first thing to realize about being a girl in our current society, is that for some reason your sweetness is expected. Being nice is supposed to be automatic. That must be your default setting as a little human girl. Nice, agreeable and smiling.’

‘Ughhh no… Let’s rewrite Lesson 1: You have other emotions that are just as valid. You can say no, when you don’t feel happy, or when you don’t want to hide your pain into a smile. And no, honey bunch, you don’t have to do something others say just to please them. There will be some who will poke you until you acquiesce. There will be others who laser beam you with their shame glares. There will be those who will want you to be a puppet and fall for every pull and twist they throw. But you are strong and will break through those strings. Although your independence is hard to guide right now, I am so grateful for your fight. You’re gonna need it.’

The sparkly silver tiara has been glued back together, and Avery’s adorable face wiped clean. She has on her autumn jacket and is ready to run errands with mommy. I take her tender small  hand in mine and sigh. She’ll always be my sweet baby doll. She looks up at me, and instead of a baby, her face is that of a little girl. Avery is growing up so fast. Her body is sprouting and growing like a weed.

Lesson 2 rattles off in my mind as we walk to the door and get packed into the car. ‘There’s going to be a freaky thing that happens to your body once it decides to develop into a woman. You’ll bleed once a month. Yep that’s right, for a good half of your life you will have blood drip from your insides. There will be a tight vice grip that doubles you over and your body screams at you and will demand to know, “Why didn’t you make a baby this month?! Ahhhh”. It can get really angry. Not trying to scare you about being a woman, just preparing you for that reality. Nah, it’s okay to be scared. Some things just stink no matter how many roses you try to cover it with.’

I stare at the road ahead, and drive to the nearby park. The car's steady black tires crunch through piles of yellow-brown speckled fallen foliage. A flurry of wind picks up some of the leaves and they spin in a tiny tornado. The oak lined road whispers, “Change happens faster than you realize.”

My pensive thoughts continue to deepen, ‘Lesson 3: When you’re a little older we will talk about how your body is going to change my lil’ Avery doll. But don’t forget that you’re going to deal with the dreaded crazy inducing “Horror-moans” I mean hormones. Wah hahahahaha (*evil laugh optional).’ Wow, I am such a cheesy mom…

The shine from the grey car door glares in my eye as I open it for her. In a flash Avery is unbuckled and laughing as she runs to the trees with the biggest piles underneath. She falls into the mound and squeals with delight. Oh the simple joys of childhood. A twinkle of adoration sparkles in my eye and I remember my childlike spirit too. I waddle over and kick up stray leaves as I near her. 

A large brown dog and it’s owner pass by on a paved path. The dog takes a side glance at Avery and growls as it gets closer. It lunges toward her, snarling. My heart leaps into my throat as mama bear reflexes turn into hyper-drive. Avery rushes over to me with wide eyes. I can see those beautiful brown orbs begin to fill with tears. She’s brave and says, “Mommy that doggie didn’t like me.” I reply, “Yes, that’s right. It was scary. It’s okay to cry if you need to.” She just holds onto my long jacket and hooks her hand around my leg. 

Everything about today sparks a thought about her future. Avery will not only have a visit from ‘Aunt Flow’ each month, but some people may know she is on her ‘Time of the Month’ and blame any undesired emotion on her bodily functions. Lesson 3 continued, ‘You have emotions and they tell you about how you are experiencing the world around you. Listen to them. You will have intense emotions whether on your period or not, girlfriend. They aren't any less valid.

The amber sunlight glistens through the nearby maple tree and Avery scampers around trailing a long stick the tree had left for her to play with. It’s time to leave and I coax her toward the car. One mention of the pumpkin patch and she rushes toward the parking lot. 

***

There’s a lazy dazy aura around the pumpkin patch, several families mosey around as we get our little rusted red wagon to help carry the merchandise. Avery has the smart idea to climb up to the top of the haystack to get a birds eye view of her options and locate the best pumpkin ever. “I found it!” She squeals, then dashes down the mound of hay, getting covered in dry loose strands. I adore her intelligence, she’s quick to problem solve and so independent at pursuing what she wants. 

Another future teaching moment pops into my mind. Lesson 4, “Avery you are so smart. You have brilliant ideas and should be proud of how you want to solve problems, whether other people listen to you or not. Some people won’t take you seriously when you share your thoughts. They may brush it off like you are too naive, too silly, or too bossy. Unfortunately some people don’t want you to have a brain. Because it’s too hard to control you, they will find some reason to complain. Don’t let it get to your heart. Stay true to yourself.”

Avery teeters at the top of the haystack, and falls! My heart leaps into my throat, until I realize that next to where she stood was a light tan plastic slide. Oh, she’s okay. I gather myself and pull the rusty worn red wagon behind me. I meet up with her at the base of the slide and she’s already holding her favorite pumpkin in her small yet strong arms. “I found the best little pumpkin. Look it’s got a bump on the front like a nose!” she exclaims. I reply, “You are my little pumpkin and I like your little nose.” I bop her little bump with my pointer finger and she giggles. I then tell her, “See mommy’s tummy? I’m growing a little baby and we’ll bring another little pumpkin into the family soon.” Avery’s eyes grow wide and she rests her head next to my belly. “I want to be a mommy like you, and have a daddy for a baby too,” she smiles and sighs.

This day has just been filled with moments for the future, yet again my thoughts fly forward thinking of when Avery will be a grown woman. She may still have that desire to find a husband and start her own family. Lesson 5 is probably one of the most difficult lessons of all. “My baby girl, I don’t know if I can help you with this one too much. You’re going to have to listen to your heart and your own wisdom when picking out your mate. The one you marry is not just going to be someone to love, who will love you, he will also be the father of your children. Find someone who values what you value, who has similar goals, and has the family as a top priority. There are many people who will say that you should just settle for someone so that you’re not alone. Please, choose wisely and don’t fear being on your own until you find the right match for you. Once you find him, it can be hard work to make the relationship work, but well worth it. You grow even stronger and more capable of love when you are willing to be vulnerable and trust. I love you honey bunch.” My eyes get a bit watery and my throat begins to tighten. ‘Oh no, I’m not going to cry right now. It’s time to drive home.’

A few additional thoughts choosing friends: Hey Avery girl, just a heads up on friends. It can be tiring to be independent and strong, especially if you try to do everything on your own. You will need your group of women who will be in your corner, fighting through fears together. A coven of sorts. You will also need to surround yourself with good men who will honor you as an equal. You've got this babe!

The door is thrown wide open and Avery busts through the entrance to our cozy rambler. She finds her crown and brings it to me, very persistent that she is a princess and must have her crown. I find my glue gun and let it heat up ready to repair the plastic frame. My dear sweet girl rushes up to her relaxed daddy, who’s sitting on the leather sofa reading a book. He chuckles and picks her up, and plops her onto his sturdy lap. He points at the book and helps her spell out some of the words. “A-N-A-T-O-M-Y, Anatomy!” she declares as though she’s training for a spelling bee. “What does that mean daddy?” He starts to tell her that it’s the study of bodies and their structure…

I sit down at the rustic kitchen table and look at the two of them actively studying her daddy’s homework. Somehow it comes up that boys' bodies are different from girls' bodies. I can see in her daddy’s pale blue eyes that he’s thinking of an age appropriate way to explain to her how babies are made. He gives her the most simple yet vague enough answer that, “When boys grow up and turn into men and girls turn into women then their bodies can make babies together. It starts with kissing, but then they do more than that. Uhhh… that’s all for today.” He then distracts her with another book and they dive deep into the ocean with sharks and other fishes. 

Lesson 6 just flows out now, I’m in tune with this list and am preparing for the time when we’ll have to explain the other stuff adults do to make a baby. “You’re a woman now, Avery and because you are the one who carries the child you have what some may call a ‘biological clock’ like your worth is tied to your ability to make a baby. It is absolutely incredible if your body will cooperate and make a human life! I just want you to know that men might not worry about that because they can help make babies well into their later years. 

As for making a baby, I didn’t mind that. It’s a fantastic experience with the right partner. However, pregnancy affects every woman differently, and I was really scared. Others may be braver than I, or just not have the same nerves, but I dealt with Tokophobia, an extreme fear of giving birth. Sometimes I wish your daddy could have done that part for me. He’s very strong and I think his abs could have pushed you out easier than I did. Because I faced my fear, I feel so much stronger. I was brave. You can be brave too. It’s your choice my love. If you don’t want to have a baby right away there are pills, patches or other contraceptives to use. Whatever you decide, know that bringing a human life into the world is a big responsibility, and an incredible life changing experience. ”

Avery and her daddy have moved from the books in the living room to the front door where the pumpkins lay in a skeewampus pile. She points at my baby belly and says, “The little pumpkin in mommy is going to be a baby boy!” Both her daddy and I look at each other in surprise. We hadn’t told her yet, but she’s right. She’ll be a big sister to a baby brother soon.

Now, I’m really scared, because I have all these lessons in mind for a girl. I have no idea what it’s like to be a boy. Hmm… I’ll let their daddy take the reins on that one. I’ll ask my husband what it’s like to be a boy, and then I’ll share with him how scary it is to be a girl.

Her daddy stands tall next to me and pulls me close to him, a hand resting gently on my nonexistent waist. I rest my head on his shoulders and feel his scruff on my forehead as we look down at our daughter. Avery plays with the pumpkins rearranging them from biggest to smallest. “Mommy, daddy, Avery and baby boy Tommy!” We chuckle that she thinks she gets to name her baby brother. I may be filled with worries about her future, but I know that she’s strong, smart and brave. This little girl is a powerful person. I really have nothing to fear.